Josh

Life is good right now. Work, doesn't bother me as much, I'm a guild master in WoW (which is a lot of hard work, but the pay-off of experiencing my guild members work together is totally worth it, and every day it seems I find new insights in my life. I no longer question the things that have happened in the past. No, I rather embrace them now, all the good and the bad, because together all these events have helped to shape my future. Life is Good :-)

Feels like my lungs are going to cave in...very....tired....must....play WoW.

Someone just sent me an e-mail!! Not just anyone mind you but someone I've missed over the years (wow I can actually say years now)I'm soooooo happy right now I'm crying...which is weird for me but I'm not ashamed to admit it :-). lol I also was joking with one of my supervisors and tol him I quit. Just the reaction over the phone made me laugh and it actually relieved a lot of tension for me. I need more smiles in my life...

Hehe, I'm SOOOOOO efffin tired right now. Firearms class, OT, supervisor meetings.....It's all taking it's toll. I'm prettty mad about it too as I have no choice in the matter. My books on modern druidry have just come in (after a 3 week wait ?!?!?!)and I have no time to read them so I can discover whether the path of the druid is right for me! I'm pretty damn sure it is. I can almost feel an energy flowing whenever I'm outside...almost. It's like there's some block over me keeping me from submersing into it. And something about a guiding spirit??? I'm so confused and torn over religion right now. I wish someone could help me...

Don't you just hate it when you argue with someone and they end up arguing the same point you originally made, but they try to act like they aren't? :-D

Lately I feel as if I belong to a religion full of hatred and spite towards everything. When I see people proclaiming hellfire for dead soldiers who have paid the ultimate sacrifice for their country I feel sick, like there's a poison deep within that eats away at my soul. As each day passes I find it harder to wake, at times, consciousness seems fleeting, and breath almost becomes hard to come by though I know I'm not having trouble breathing. Truly I weep for this nation and this world if we can so allow such injustices to pass but I fear that I have not the voice in my condition to speak out against these evils. I need help...

And too, I feel a calling. One from outside of myself. It reaches out for my soul to heal and yet it cannot touch me for the venom within seems to repel whatever it is...

Wow...OK, to anyone I've ever known, I just want to say thank you! I'll list some here but I'll know I'll still miss many more. Those who aren't listed here still made such a HUGE impact on my life and while you aren't listed, you are always remembered...

1) Mom and Dad, and to Regina and Ken; You are the reason I even have a life to being with. Thank you SOOO much for raising me and shaping me to be the man I am today.

2) Kendra and Madre; The "mom" figures I sooooo needed in life when "mom" wasn't around. So much of what I learned in this life I learned from you and you will always hold a place in my heart.

3) My many brothers and sisters; You are all the life in me. It fills me with joy everytime I watch you succeed in life and I share your failures all the same. I love you all equally. I could never have asked for better.

4) My nieces (and someday newphews too); You are so precious. I love you SOOOOO much.

5) All my family; You all have been there to guide me on the path to bettering myself (or just straight to mischief; you know who you are :-D). I will always be proud of where I came from.

6) Matt Stewart; You have been my best friend through all these years since high school. I will never tire of our adventures on this road of life. Loyal and true to the end, no matter what the odds. I doubt I could have come this far in life with you there to keep me straight.

7) Matt Dunbar; You too, since high school, have been my friend and often times like a brother to me. You've always been a role-model to me and someday I hope to achieve the many good deeds you have.

8)Robbie Campbell; Ah, my childhood friend whom I rarely ever see these days. It pains me that we can't share in our successes and failures like we could when we were younger, but I will always look forward to hanging out again someday. Never was there better a friend to me throughout my childhood days.

9) Jason Godwin, Micheal Sanders, Russell Haskell; We were and always will be "Sliver Spoon". Man those were some of the best moments in my life. You guys were so supportive of me at times when I was so doubtful of myself. Sometimes I wonder why things turned out the way they did, but I know it was all for the best. You are all my brothers and I will always be there for you, no matter what.

10) Kenneth Zule; or "Zule" I should say. The brother I've always wanted, the mentor I've always needed. Things are so different up here and I always find myself quoting you at some point :-). You should move your ass up here so we can hang out again :-P. Still I love you bro. Good luck in whatever you do, not that Zule thinks he needs it!

11) Kourtney Marisha Dawn Butler; I still remember your middle name :-P. You were there for me when I was at my worst, always brightening up everything around you. Despite what happened between us, I still love you and miss your friendship. Keep on spreading the love girl. The world is a better place because of you, always.

12) Jennifer Rimmer; Such bitter-sweet memories flood my heart and soul whenever I think of you. Words can not express how much I miss you and yet I know in my heart that we can not be friends or otherwise. Still, I must make mention of you because you are so much a part of who I am today. You are compassion at it's best. You are fierce and loyal to all who are worthy of being your friend. You are rich in life and a true source of inspiration. You will always have my heart.

13) To all I have listed here and even the ones I have missed, THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!!

Love to all,
¥~¥ Joshua Richard Wagner ¥~¥

I just got back from my second consecutive daily run...man I'm out of shape. I could barely make the 2.5 miles I ran today, but I did it. Tomorrow is going to be a 1 mile hard run, and then I guess I'll relax on Monda...like work will let me do otherwise. I've noticed I've been happier sinc eI've been exercising though :-)

Apparently Blizzard hates me again...I can't log on to WoW right now so I figured I'd let out everything that's been on my mind lately.

Ok I'm done. Thatnks for watching! Tune in next time!

Seriously though, I keep staing at these pics of me with long hair and think that somehow I need to change them as I no longer have long hair...but I'm not photogenic so I'll just keep them for now as they are they best I've got.

And what's with all these memories coming flooding back into my mind all of the sudden when I'm out on patrol by myself? It's like whenever I try to move on from the past it just comes walking right back up to me to slap me in the face. Like I don't have ENOUGH problems just being out on patrol with a loaded weapon. I have half a mind to contact everyone I've ever had any kind of relationship and just let all know how I feel right now but while that would be a GREAT idea if everyone understood what I was thinking /feeling/thinky-feely-thingy-stuff I know they indeed do not and it would only cause futher confusion/happiness/torment/whatever/pie-eating-frenzy/moo so I'll just keep it all locked away inside. For now. One day though the world will be filled with rampant chaos (I like chaos :-D, but not as much as pie :-( boooooooooo!) and I can let oall my emotions out in the form of one short/long rant to the masses.

Also, I've come to the understanding that either one of the following is always in effect:

1) I'm insane :-)
2) I'm not insane and everyone else is :-( (Boooo for being insane w/o me)
3) I'm too much for myself to handle alone, that's why there are 2 of me :-D
4) This world is just too slow.

Ok, NOW I'm done.

Love,
Josh

PS This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
(Mitch Hedberg)

Yay! I'm back alive again! Or just off on the weekends again, one of the two. Anyway, I'm still not doing myuch of nothing but I AM trying to do things. I just have no time right now but I'll get there!

So.........I guess this one will be short, but I'll rant again sometime!

lol Yay! I'm making lots more money as of today. I just got a $3/hr pay increase. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet

Wow. Life as a guard hasn't been so bad. I make $50+ G's a year and as soon as I get back into school I can do my homework on post. I still plan on getting a new band together, but it's going to take a little while to get everything situated. For now, I'm still in the song writing process though and slowly but surely getting geared up to start performing again. I miss having fans...

Man, it's been a wild 1/2 a year. Leaving a band that started out in the right direction, cutting my hair off, then cutting it even shorter, taking a higher paying job, working OT left and right....It's like my world took a complete 180. I do miss playing with SliverSpoon. There was so much going on with the band and I was always doubting my abilities which made me strive even harder to improve both my performing and song writing. Lately I've been doing the same and I've come to the conclusion that I do have talent and I need to stay focused on the positive. While SS never did, nor will it, go very far in terms of making it big, it was a worthwhile experience for me to grow as a singer/songwriter and I am grateful for the oppertunity.

That said, I've decided to go full steam ahead on the "Save Celes" project. After February I'm going to be ready to dedicate most of my time to finding the right members for the project and to work on preparations for merchandise and for recording.

Anyway, I was going to put more here but I really need to go to sleep now so....

is the name of this new idea for a band. I'm thinking more and more that I'm gonna do it to. On another very positive note, I start work Tuesday. Yay!! After waiting month after month I finally get to start. Everything has come back ok and my company has been given the green light to start me. I'm leaving in 3 hours to go get my uniforms and take a drug test that I know I will pass. Yayyzzors again!!! Woot!!1oneone!!

So I've been thinking lately about starting a second band. The one I'm in now is cool and fun, but I keep thinking more and more that I'm chasing something that I just won't get out of this band. I'm not going to drop out of it, but I'd like to have a 2nd project, something with some actual depth to the music. I like rock music, and that's just not JSM's style. So if I did start up another project, it'd be pop/alternative. Something a little more mainstream that I can actually put my soul into. I've even got a band name picked out, but I won't reveal it yet.

Just so everyone knows this, I'm NOT gay. The dickhead drummer from SliverSpoon hacked my password and changed a few things. He's SOOOOO fucking obssessed with wanting me to be gay for some reason...anyone know why? I have a clue...

Anyway, I'd like to thank the LJ staff for standing to, even when I was getting impatient and upset. They handled this matter in a very professional manner and I appreciate it. I'd also like to thank my cousin Tim, who happens to actually BE gay, for defending my sexuality. LOL maybe you'll make a good parent after all.

One and a half hours....you all know what that means right? Plus, I turn 24 Tuesday so...izzz time to partyxxorrs fo' shizzles my homizzles!!!!111oneone

Wow, that last entry was pretty brutal...but I still feel the same way. The time to "protest" is long past and our soldiers aren't "coming home" anytime soon. All these people are doing is stirring up trouble now and causing the moral to drop for our troops over there (which should be considered treason and these people either killed, yes killed, or deported and not allowed back into the US for 9-10 generations). War isn't easy to deal with in itself. I've had 2 great-grandfathers, 2 grandfathers, an uncle and my own father come back from overseas, all with stories of horror they have kept secret that will/have follow them to their graves. The best thing to do for our troops is when they DO get back, show them our appreciation for their service because re-adjusting to life after a war will be no easy task for them. So...my vote is to get rid of the "Cindy Sheehan"s, no matter how we do it, so our soldiers can feel beter about what they are doing over there. Even Hillary Clinton, who is oppossed to the war by the way, says we shouldn't withdraw troops, we need more there to get the job done. Sit on that one awhile you traitorous jerk-offs...

Why are the dumbass mothers who "lost" a son in this war still making news? Just shut the fuck up already!!
You are a disgrace to your country, a disgrace to your sons, and you dishonor their service with your every breath! You have no sense of patriotism and you're only upset because it was your son who died, not b/c others have lost loved ones. But you know what? Your SON signed the contract, your SON was responsible to serve his enlistment from that point, and he should have damn well knew that soldiers fight wars, mostly for fucked up reasons, and people DIE in war. I choose a different future and didn't join, but if I had I still would expect honor from my family and you traitorous mother fuckers who should all be shot in the head, even if I was killed. If you had a problem with this war, you should have PROTESTED before it started. Bush gave a 48 HOUR time frame before it started, this wasn't a spur of the moment issue, it was announced weeks in advance. Where were you then? At fucking home not doing a god damn thing!! Just shut up already!!!!

someone do me a favor and try to comment. I think my journal is screwed up...